From the Omaha paper, via http://www.gangrey.com/:
Deadliest Hour
The gunman in middle america
Henry Cordes: With only 20 shopping days till Christmas, Von Maur customer service workers busily folded bright wrapping paper around the gifts of eager customers.
A nearby elevator door opened.
Into the festive scene Wednesday strode Robert A. Hawkins, about to unleash the worst killing spree in Nebraska since the 1958 rampage of Charles Starkweather.
He was toting a Russian semiautomatic rifle.
And suddenly, the light holiday sound of the store's piano was punctuated by the pop-pop-pop of rapid gunfire.
I think this opening would be much stronger like this:
With only 20 shopping days till Christmas, Von Maur customer service workers busily folded bright wrapping paper around the gifts of eager customers.
A nearby elevator door opened.
Into the festive scene Wednesday strode Robert A. Hawkins.
He was toting a Russian semiautomatic rifle.
And suddenly, the light holiday sound of the store's piano was punctuated by the pop-pop-pop of rapid gunfire.
Why?
Because to me, the power of that opening lies in the simple sentence, "He was toting a Russian semiautomatic rifle." It is the moment in the story when everything goes wrong. But when you already have told people what he "was about to" do, you steal all the power from the sentence, the scene, and you dilute the horror of a normal day turning into a massacre. (Beyond that ... why do you need to rank it among statewide massacres in the 3rd graf? That is one of those historical things journalists think about but no one, ever, has thought about while they are experiencing something like that. It can come later in the story -- even if this was the lead story on this event in the Omaha paper today).
What does anyone else think? Any other edits you'd make to this, or, would you leave as is, and why?
I agree completely. The writer shouldn't have told people what happened. The power is in the showing. Showing the action unfold is much more powerful than simply telling folks what happened.
ReplyDeleteI also like the cleaner, York version. I don't think this story requires statistics or bombast up top. A took a gun into a mall and opened fire. That provides enough power as is.
ReplyDeleteSince I'm not on deadline with this story, I'll go ahead and nitpick some more. A few of the touches -- "With only 20 shopping days till Christmas" and "And suddenly" -- were a bit too much. I appreciate the writer was trying to paint a cinematic picture, but I think it's overdone here. I wonder what kind of details the writer was able to get from witnesses. I would guess only the light piano music. The rest, I would guess, come from a police report and what this mall normally looks like around the holidays.
My point being, if you can't really paint the picture, don't try.
I agree with Scott's edit. And with Jeff's nitpicking comments. I felt like the re-creation of the scene was a bit forced. I would have done it like this:
ReplyDelete"Employees of Von Maur (dept store or whatever it is) were busy tucking bright wrapping paper around gifts and ringing up holiday purchases (insert day and time of day here -- this is enough to clue readers it's the holiday bustle) when the elevator door opened nearby.
Robert A. Hawkins walked in. He was carrying a Russian semiautomatic rifle."
I think "customer service workers" is too much to stumble over. And, no need to say "eager" customers. How does he know? Maybe some were harried or relaxed? Is he making an assumption there? Do you have to say the scene was festive? Won't readers already have that picture in their minds from the date and festive paper and busy scene?
Of course, it's always easier to edit other people's work and say in hindsight what could be better than it is to write such a story yourself on deadline! :)
I agree with Scott's edit. And with Jeff's nitpicking comments. I felt like the re-creation of the scene was a bit forced. I would have done it like this:
ReplyDelete"Employees of Von Maur (dept store or whatever it is) were busy tucking bright wrapping paper around gifts and ringing up holiday purchases (insert day and time of day here -- this is enough to clue readers it's the holiday bustle) when the elevator door opened nearby.
Robert A. Hawkins walked in. He was carrying a Russian semiautomatic rifle."
I think "customer service workers" is too much to stumble over. And, no need to say "eager" customers. How does he know? Maybe some were harried or relaxed? Is he making an assumption there? Do you have to say the scene was festive? Won't readers already have that picture in their minds from the date and festive paper and busy scene?
Of course, it's always easier to edit other people's work and say in hindsight what could be better than it is to write such a story yourself on deadline! :)
I would've probably made the lead even tighter, with only three sentences - the first talking about the shopping, the next on with the kid with a gun, and the nut graph talking about what he was getting ready to do.
ReplyDeleteI would not have used the pop pop pop. It sounds like he's making light of it.
Michele C.